Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Why I Hate Peacocks

Alright, so I promised I would talk about this.

When I was young, still in elementary school, and very very naive, I thought all animals were made of fluff and rainbows and happiness. This is not true.

Peacocks are pure evil.

I know this from experience. My mother and I were on a four hour road trip. It was one we went on fairly often, to visit family. So, we stopped at the usual halfway point- what barely passed as a town. It was a gas station, a restaurant, a market, and for some reason a carousel. Everything else was fields and, I'm assuming, houses amidst the trees.

Anyways, I get cheesy crackers of some sort in the gas station because OH MY GOD I NEVER GET TO EAT THESE. What a special treat! As I'm walking out, I see this large, majestic, absolutely stunningly beautiful bird. It was so beautiful, in fact, that I offered it a cracker. Because all animals are made of fluff and rainbows and happiness and there's no reason why I should exercise caution.


Next thing I know, this demon of a bird jumps at me, tail-feathers raised like a great, majestic battle flag.
I remember it went something like this.

No, I am not exaggerating. I ran for my life, as my mother laughed, a hollow, cold-hearted laugh. It was like my worst nightmare, with feathers. Eventually, I found my way back into the car and slammed the door shut. And my mother had the nerve to keep laughing. As if it wasn't the most traumatic moment of my life. I examined myself for peck wounds, and we moved on. But I never, ever forgot the horror of that day.

I am warning you now, with this story. Do not buy into those innocent little faces. Do not be fooled by the jewel-tone feathers of absolute beauty. It will result in disaster.

And above all, I've learned to never, ever share my crackers.

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